Things I want my kids to know

I see people change all the time. Whether it is changing how they speak to themselves, how they respond to and deal with anxiety, changing unrealistic expectations, how they communicate with the people around them, dealing with anger in a different way, or anything else a person might want to work on: people can make changes.

However, it tends to be pretty hard. It requires taking time to study and understand yourself, your motivations and your history. Why do you react the way that you do? Where might that come from? What do you do with your feelings? What does that lead you to do? What are the consequences of your actions? It requires acknowledging and being compassionate with yourself about why you might respond the way you do, as well as being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your actions. It also requires trying out new ways of approaching things that are often really uncomfortable or maybe even scary. It requires being a bit rubbish at doing something new for a while. That is not easy.

However, a difficult thing to get your head around sometimes is: just because people can change, doesn’t mean they will.

And it certainly doesn’t mean that you can change them.

I have done a lot of work with people who are stuck in a relationship dynamic with someone who mistreats them. It might be a partner, a parent, a boss or a friend. When someone displays problematic behaviour towards us or treats us badly, sometimes we can get stuck for a few reasons.

Perhaps they don’t acknowledge that their behaviour is a problem at all. Perhaps they make it very clear that they believe that all of their behaviour is because of us and what we do. That they are only reacting the way that they do because of our flaws, our weaknesses. So perhaps we are stuck, feeling responsible for what is happening. Holding the narrative that the problem lies with us. That if only we could do the right things and be the right way, then everything would change.

Perhaps they tell us that they will change. Perhaps they tell us the reasons why they struggle with certain things, and that is linked with why they behave the way they do. Perhaps if we are kind and understanding, we want to be supportive and give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they let us down again, but we still feel like we shouldn’t get out, because to do so would be to abandon them, and we just can’t do that. Perhaps that leaves us feeling that we need to do more to help. Maybe if we were even kinder, even more understanding. Maybe if we tried to tiptoe around them and not annoy them, maybe that would help resolve things.

Perhaps they seem to show some willing. Maybe they do make some changes for a while. Maybe there are good patches which are confusing, because maybe it shows us that it is possible for things to be better, and maybe this time it will last. But then it doesn’t.

This is always so tangled, but there are a few things that are useful to know about why we cannot change other people.

The first is that in order to make changes, we first have to be able to look at ourselves and to take responsibility for our own actions. We can’t always help how we feel, but that doesn’t mean we can act however we like. If someone always blames circumstances or other people for their actions, then there is absolutely no chance that their behaviour will change. Ever.

Usually when people come to see me, it is because they really want to make that change for themselves and sometimes for the people around them. This is the second difference: we will only make changes if we actually want to. Sometimes the reason people don’t make changes even though they are hurting us is because they just don’t really want to. That might mean that they show some willing for a while, until things are smoothed over and we seem to be appeased, before reverting back to their old ways.

A huge barrier to getting out of a dynamic like this is feeling responsible for the other person, their actions and their feelings, particularly if you are an empathetic person. It can almost feel safer or preferable to stay, feeling hurt ourselves, rather than leaving or withdrawing. There can also be cultural influences that can make us feel responsible for fixing problems caused by someone else’s behaviour, like:

• “If you can’t make your marriage work, you aren’t trying hard enough.”

• “You should honour your parents.”

The things is, none of that is fair. Each of us as individuals is responsible for our own actions. Nobody else. Yes, sometimes we are driven to act out of character because of frustration or fear, but we are still responsible for our actions. We don’t have to lose all empathy in order to challenge behaviour, we can offer empathy and still be firm. For example:

“I know you have stuff going on and you find it hard, but this behaviour is not acceptable and never will be.”

Other people can change, but you can’t do it for them. No matter how nice, how patient, how willing, or supportive you are, they still might not do it. The only person who can make a change is the person themselves.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. This is a big one, isn't it. I hope it's useful for someone today.