Things I want my kids to know

It was my birthday recently (37, in case you were wondering) and I took the day off and naturally, this was a bit of an opportunity to check in with how I am doing and what comes next, and the answer I came up with was:

I don’t really know what I am doing.

I often feel a sense of pressure to be moving forwards in some way. Partly that is the pressure of the self-employed (the fear of not having any work) and partly that is an internal thing. Either way, I can sometimes be caught in indecision, which is about a pressure to move forwards (maybe I should do a podcast, maybe I should write a book) combined with a lack of clarity about how those things are going to go (I don’t know how to do those things, I don’t know if I would enjoy them, and I don’t know if they would work out). When you are caught between these two things, sometimes you can feel a bit stuck or frozen in place. Feeling a general sense that you should be doing something, but not really knowing what to do. It can also leave you feeling that perhaps you aren’t good enough in some way, perhaps comparing yourself unfavourably to other people who do seem to be moving forwards or seem to know what they are doing.

However, what struck me on my birthday was this: I am 15 years into my career now, and I have never really known what I am doing.

Before starting my training, I didn’t know for sure whether I would like therapy or if I would be any good at it. How could I? I didn’t really know what it involved. I knew what was on the course curriculum but that’s not the same as what it feels like to sit with someone and work through things with them. As my career has gone on I have tried various things that seemed like a great idea and perfect for me on paper, only to find out that actually, there were bits I liked and bits that I couldn’t stand.

Sitting where I am today, I know so much more about what I like, what I don’t like, and why. I know more about my strengths and the things I struggle with. I also know that there are a great many things I am good at now that I had zero skills in to begin with. Maybe that will be the same with podcasting or writing books. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I will find out that they suit me really well, maybe I will find out that I can’t stand them or that it ends up not really going anywhere.

I know some people feel this overwhelming pressure to move forwards. That they should be aiming to choose a goal and work relentlessly towards it, and that this is what brings success and happiness. The thing is, that isn’t really how it works. You can’t tell in advance whether a particular path is going to bring you what you hope it will. This pressure to know what the correct next move is and not deviate can freeze you up. It can either keep you stuck on a path you wish you hadn’t taken (because you don’t want to have wasted time or fall behind) or stop you from taking paths that seem appealing, because you can’t be certain if they will work out.

Some people do seem to have it all together and know what they are doing, and maybe for some people that is true. However, I think if that is the case, that is more luck than anything else. To hit upon a career that you love before you have even tried it is fortunate. I just don’t think that is how it works for most.

If you feel like you don’t know what you are doing a lot of the time, or you get stuck with decisions because you feel you need to know how they are going to go before you take them, then I hope this helps: maybe you don’t know what you are doing because you are a normal person who doesn’t have some sort of magical foresight. Maybe the way out of feeling stuck with decisions isn’t about trying to get greater certainty. Maybe instead it is about understanding that it’s OK to give things a go and this is the way that you find out. Maybe it won’t work out, but at least you will know.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. I’ll be honest with you, I keep mentioning the possibility of writing a book and doing a podcast because it is a little strategy for myself that if I have said it, I am more likely to actually give it a crack. Let’s see how that pans out!