I know some of you reading this are here because you saw me do a video on this exact subject, so firstly, welcome and thank you for signing up. Secondly, I want to reassure you that these emails aren’t always exactly the same as my videos, but I really wanted to get this one written down.
With that said, let’s get into it.
Recently, I received a message that stopped me in my tracks. It was someone saying that they had read my guide to anxiety and had found it really helpful, so much so that they felt that the way I described it as a “guide” was perhaps overly modest.
And I thought “Oh yes. It probably is, isn’t it.”
In that moment, I saw some things that I hadn’t seen before. I noticed that when people told me they thought my work (particularly my guide) was good (I am even now noticing that I have chosen to use the word “good” when actually some people have said “amazing” because typing “amazing” about my own work would make me cringe, so here I am trying to fight against that), I tended to want to explain it away as people being kind, so would gently bat it away. I noticed that I haven’t really been pushing or promoting my guide at all and instead, semi-apologetically mentioning it right at the bottom of the captions for my videos. I even noticed that I have been avoiding getting the people I love to read it, too. My granddad has asked me if he can read a copy and I have been avoiding that.
Now that I have noticed those things, I can now also notice and understand the things that might be behind this. Namely: it feels embarrassing or a bit cringey. I feel a little bit nervous about people reading it and judging it.
I realised that I don’t only do it with the guide. This weekend that one of my oldest friends was asking how my videos were going and paying me some compliments about what I am doing and I felt myself physically shrink away from it, giving as short an answer as I could (they are just being polite, don’t bore everybody with your guff).
At the time, I had no idea that I was putting myself down. But once I could see it, it was obvious. It was right there in front of me. If I had seen someone else minimising their achievements or holding back from talking about something they had created the way that I was, I would probably have said something.
This, for me, is a good example of why the first step in changing anything at all is awareness. Now that I can see what is happening, that gives me the option to do something about it. Firstly, it allows me to question whether what I am doing is what I want. Do I think it is fair to minimise what I am doing? No I don’t. I do think my guide is good. In fact, it isn’t fair to call it a guide. It is a 40 page book, and a distillation of all the things I think are most helpful when it comes to understanding and dealing with anxiety. So do I want to carry on playing it down? No I don’t. It isn’t fair but also, it isn’t really helping me.
Secondly, it allows me to decide what I want instead. I want to be able to talk about my book the same way I would want my best friend to talk about his achievements. I want to remind people that it exists and that it will be worth their while. I want to be able to say out loud that this is a really useful resource and that it might change the way you see your anxiety – for the better.
So that is what I will be practicing. Being less apologetic about talking about something I am proud of, something that I have put a lot of work into.
If this rings any bells at all for you, I recommend (in my book, naturally) that the first place to start with understanding yourself is observing yourself. One of the first things I will ask clients to do is to pay attention to their thoughts, feelings and behaviours during the week. I will ask them to write things down. Once you have gathered together some of the thoughts that run through your head, or noted down some of your behaviour, it is easier to see what is going on. From there, you have so many options, but it starts with knowing what is happening now.
Thanks for reading. Until next week,
Ted
P.S. If this rings bells for you, another good tip is slowing down. When you are cringing you tend to bat away compliments quickly, or if you do try to say something good about yourself, you speak rapidly to get it over and done with. Try slowing down. Say thank you to compliments, and do it slowly. Say what you need to say about your achievements and say it slowly and clearly, rather than rushing through it.