Last week, I caught myself in a particular trap.
I kept getting stuck when I was trying to film videos or to write. I felt anxious and was overthinking what I should say and how it would go down. I kept having the sense that I might say something that somebody might have a problem with or dislike. That was making me pick holes in what I was saying, or even if what I was saying was good, I still had the general sense that I could be misinterpreted or frankly, that someone might take against it even if I phrased it in the most neutral way possible.
This overthinking and feeling “stuck” is a common one when it comes to putting yourself out into the public domain. It can feel exposing. Whether it is something large-scale like giving a talk, or something more everyday like turning up to school, speaking up in a meeting or going to a party, sometimes, we find ourselves worrying about how people will judge us. Maybe they won’t like how we speak, what we say, what we are wearing or how we have done our hair (less relevant to me these days, but it was a big thing at school).
I know lots of people would say “Well, you shouldn’t care what other people think” but let’s be clear: that’s not fair. Of course we care what people think. It is fundamentally in-built for us to care what people think. Being part of a group is how we survive, so we try to fit in.
Plus, sometimes it’s not that you are anxious because your mind blows things out of proportion. Sometimes you are anxious because you know through real, concrete experience, that people can be mean.
School can be brutal. Trying not to care what people think is hard when there are real, flesh-and-blood people who will seek you out and say or do hurtful things to you. In adult life we like to think we are beyond that, but we do know that those people exist. That was part of what was going on for me last week: on social media I had been seeing more and more of the awful, hurtful things that people will say. I have also had some of that come my way in the past. Giving a talk with someone in the audience who seems to have walked in with some sort of agenda. Having people comment in a harsh way on videos I have done. It doesn’t happen often, but it isn’t pleasant when it does.
So, telling myself that I shouldn’t care or that I am worrying about something that will never happen is not realistic. So how are we supposed to handle that?
The beginning of getting out of this loop was when I realised that I was trying to create something that nobody, not even the nastiest, most critical person, could possibly have a problem with. The problem with that is, of course, that such a thing doesn’t exist.
If there is a bully at school, you can think about your outfit and your hair all you like, but if they want to pick fault with it, they will find something if they really want to. You can write your presentation to cater to the most critical person in the audience, covering every angle, and they can still sit there looking at you like you have just soiled yourself and ruined their favourite rug. Mean people can be mean, regardless of all the energy and effort you might put in.
The second thing is that I realised that I was spending all this energy trying to cater to a group of people that I don’t like or respect. Actually, I don’t want to spend my life trying to keep unreasonable people happy. There are so many people who are reasonable, kind, supportive, interested and appreciative. I want to spend my time making things that speak to those people. That’s how I want to live my life.
When I shifted my focus from “How can I avoid criticism today” to “What can I make that will help someone” it all became much simpler.
Thanks for reading. Until next week,
Ted
P.S. I fall into this trap much less now than I used to, and I am much quicker to spot it and get out. Sometimes progress with anxiety isn't best measured by how often you feel it, but how good you are getting at spotting it and responding in a useful way.