Things I want my kids to know

There is one solitary plant in our garden, and it really annoys me.

We have been in this house for a few years now, but the only plant in our garden is one that my sister brought to us as a housewarming present, and this only actually got planted because it was a choice between “plant it now” or “plant will die” so it is also in a completely random place by the fence, sitting there all on it’s lonesome.

Every spring, the same thing happens: I start really noticing that our garden is completely bare, and I tell myself that I should do something about it. I see my mum’s garden and I see how lovely it is to be surrounded by plant life, colour and interest. I think about how much more peaceful and enticing it would be to go and sit outside for my coffee, rather than staying indoors. I think about the bees that would visit. I think about my kids having more things to explore, feel and learn about.

It then expands to further ideas. Surely I am depriving my kids of hours of fun outdoors. We have a big trampoline - which is still a hit – and a little Wendy house - which they have already outgrown – but shouldn’t I source or build a play area more suited to their ages? Something with monkey bars that I could also use as a bit of an outdoor gym?

The thing is, I end up thinking all of these things and then not actually doing anything about them. This then makes me frustrated with myself because it feels like time is ticking onwards and nothing is changing. I have time to go and play board games with my friends – do I not have time to do important stuff like this for my family, too?

However, something changed for me yesterday and I would really like to give credit where it was due, because it came from someone else.

I was listening to a podcast called the Lazy Genius with Kendra Adachi, and she was talking about a mistake we often make that can prevent us from feeling content:

Trying to be great at everything.

Kendra went on to speak about how we can sometimes get caught up trying to be great at all things and feeling like we are falling behind, rather than acknowledging and recognising that we only have a finite amount of time and energy to spend. Everything comes at a cost: the choice to spend more time on one thing means spending less time on others. That isn’t supposed to be a depressing thought, just an honest one. It isn’t possible to be all things to all people, all the time, so accepting this and making peace with the fact that some things are more important to you than others at different points in time will help you feel more contented.

This absolutely hit the nail on the head for me. I have three young children and I work for myself. Right now, the most important aspects of my life that take precedent are spending time with my children, making space for their activities - because I want them to have access to things like that but also because I enjoy it too - and earning a living doing something that is important to me.

Those things are non-negotiable. That means that I try to take more time off around their holidays even though I could be working a bit more. It also means that when it comes to choices about where our time and our money goes, it is more likely to go on trips or activities than it is to go on the garden, right now.

Would I like my kids to have a little haven right outside the back door? Yes I would. I would love them to have that. However, making that happen will cost time and money which right now is going on other things we do together.

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that having that as a choice is a massively privileged position to be in.

But what about spending time on myself and my hobbies? I do get a decent chunk of that at the moment, so could I not give up some of that?

No thanks.

I love being a dad, and I love what I do for my job too. That doesn’t change the fact that it is blooming exhausting. My hobbies and my free time give me so much. I feel more energised, I feel more excited and a bit more myself. Exchanging that for gardening is just not really something that I want to do at this point.

When I think about it more like that, things are so much clearer.

Are my kids going to have a Dad who creates an idyllic garden for them to roam about in? Not for the foreseeable future, no. They are probably going to have a square patch of lawn with a trampoline, an undersized Wendy house and a solitary plant for quite some time.

However, they are going to have a Dad who is around quite a lot, who takes an active interest in the things they do, and who will (sometimes) join in with the cricket, football or water fights that happen on that bare patch of grass. They will have a Dad who is happier in himself because he gets to do the things he loves, too.

I think that’s a decent exchange.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. I was listening to The Lazy Genius podcast because I am listening to a few solo podcasts for inspiration and hers is one that immediately stood out to me. I love the way Kendra approaches things. The first one I listened to was an “office hours” episode where she does some Q and A and I felt like that was a great way in – check it out if you get a chance.