Things I want my kids to know

I went to a dental hygienist appointment recently and she said these magical words to me:

“Excellent oral hygiene. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. That is the easiest appointment I am going to have all day. Great work.”

I honestly beamed at her. I am doing it now, just reliving it. I felt (and still do feel) overwhelmingly, disproportionately proud. I practically skipped home.

Being a therapist and not being able to turn that part of me off, of course I was also very interested in what that was about. I really felt that I being told that I was a good boy, and initially I was laughing at myself for how much I still wanted or needed that.

Sometimes I hear from people things like “I know I shouldn’t care what anybody else thinks” or “I know I shouldn’t need external validation” but that’s not really fair. That’s not how it works.

We all get something from external validation. Being complimented on the job we have done, the fact that we look nice today, how helpful we have been. It’s nice to hear. Sometimes it gives us a little confidence boost, or might even fill us up a bit.

In fact, sometimes external validation is completely necessary. How would we know if we were doing the job someone wants us to do if we never get any feedback on it? How would we know if our friends like the way that we are with them if they never tell us or show us in some way?

Liking and needing some external validation is completely reasonable and isn’t harmful in and of itself. It only becomes unhelpful when it is imbalanced: when we rely upon it heavily, over and above our own feelings and judgement.

I see this in some of my own psychology. I really do feel a big reaction when I am told that I am a good boy. I love it when I feel like I am helping someone. Some of this I understand from the fact that as a small boy I was a nice, kind, helpful child, and I was praised for that. So, I learned: “I am accepted when I am nice and I am helpful.”

Of course the adults in my life praised me and appreciated me when I was kind or thoughtful. I would do the same for the kids in my life. It helps the family to function. It helps to make the expectations clear. It’s not only useful to have some rules and expectations for ourselves, it’s an essential part of navigating life.

Expectations like this only become problematic when they are excessive, narrow, rigid or completely based on what other people want, regardless of our own thoughts and feelings (e.g. “I must always keep other people happy, regardless of my own needs”).

Putting too much weight on approval from other people might also be a problem if it means that the choices we make are more to do with others than with ourselves. Making career choices based on what we think others would approve of - over and above what we want for ourselves - can lead to trouble, for example.

Another way this imbalance can be problematic is that sometimes, the external validation doesn’t come. If all my motivation for looking after my teeth hinges upon praise from my hygienist, what happens if she doesn’t pile on the praise? What if she nods at me and gives me a suggestion or two, but doesn’t tell me what a good boy I am?

Wanting and needing external validation is not weak or silly. It’s an essential part of functioning as a human being. Having a healthy approach to it is not about teaching yourself not to need it at all, it’s about making sure that it doesn’t dominate your decisions.

So yes, I will continue to floss. I will do it because I believe in it for myself.

And I will thoroughly enjoy any pats on the head I get along the way, too.

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Thanks for reading. Until next week,

Ted

P.S. Well done, you.