Even with the most well-meaning people around you, boundaries can feel under pressure at Christmas. It might be someone pouring you another drink that you don’t want, or going to slide another few roast potatoes onto your plate.
It might be people asking you – with genuine concern and care - about things that you just don’t really want to talk about right now. It could be wanting you to join in with a game when really you are spent and just want a few minutes to yourself. It can be hard to hold your boundaries here for many reasons, like not wanting to cause a fuss or hurt someone’s feelings.
If the situation is different and you actually have more difficult dynamics, where people put you down, make you feel guilty or purposefully push your buttons, that can be really hard too. Maybe for the reasons above, plus the fact that these people don’t typically take no for an answer.
Either way, if feels like your boundaries are going to be walked over, it can make you feel on edge and not in control of what is going to happen. Here is a way of approaching boundaries that can help.
A shift in thinking
The first principle is that success with boundaries is not about winning a conversation, making the other person stop what they are doing or making sure that they understand. You are not in charge of what happens in another person’s mind. You could explain your boundaries and reasons why in eloquent and useful terms, and they still might not get it. The success with boundaries is nothing to do with the other person. It is also not about feeling confident or at ease with it, necessarily, because holding boundaries in the face of resistance can feel really uncomfortable.
The success is simply: have I managed to stick to what I wanted to do?
That means not drinking the drink if you don’t want it. Not eating the spuds if you are done. Taking yourself off for a few minutes. Not talking about things you don’t want to talk about. Even if other people don't get it.
You don't have to explain yourself or justify
You don’t have to make someone understand your position in order to hold firm to it. A trap we can fall into sometimes is feeling like we have to justify why we holding a particular position. Even when we explain ourselves, sometimes people think they can argue with it, and sometimes they manage it very effectively!
“I’m not really up for drinking much right now.”
“Oh go on, one little one won’t hurt, it’s Christmas!”
“Erm…”
Adult to adult
Building on this theme, a useful approach to boundaries is to shift from “How can I make them understand and agree with my position” to “It is OK for two adults to disagree about something.”
That means that I can be respectful of the fact that you see it differently, and hold the same respect for my own opinion. I don’t need to change your mind, I just need to express that I see it differently.
Here’s how we do that:
1) I understand / I appreciate
Make it clear that you have heard them or understand their position. This is about recognising that the other party has thoughts, feelings and opinions and they have a right to them. That lays the foundations for the fact that I am not disagreeing with you or asking you to change your mind, I’m just not changing my own mind. It’s not that I haven’t heard you or understood you, it’s that I don’t agree with you.
2) “In my view…/ for me… / I feel…”
This is about stating your own position as very much your own. I am not saying I am right and nobody could possibly see it differently, I am just saying that this is the way I see it or feel about it, and that is good enough.
3) An invitation
This last (optional) bit is about inviting them to do something or to understand.
4) If pushed, repeat.
Here’s some examples:
“I appreciate the offer, but no thank you, that’s enough for me.”
“I really appreciate you asking, but to be honest I am a bit talked out about it at the moment and would rather not go into it all right now. I have heard the invitation though, and I thank you for it.”
“I understand it might be disappointing from your end, but the best thing for me right now is to have a few minutes out. I hope you can appreciate that.”
“Seriously, I really do appreciate the offer, but I am sure.”
It is also totally OK to hold your boundaries with your actions too. You might say no to the drink but they pour it anyway. You don’t have to drink it. They might keep asking about things you don’t want to talk about, and you don’t have to say anything at all if you don’t want to.
Something to think about
The success isn’t winning the conversation, changing someone else's mind, or feeling really comfortable doing it (there are still plenty of occasions where doing this makes me sweat). The success is in not having done something you didn’t want to do.
Something to do
Part of the process of getting good at this is finding the words that work for you. There are principles here, but the words I have used might not quite feel right for you. Practice it a few times, give it a go when you are on your own or run it through with someone you trust.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Did you know I also put my videos up on Youtube for people who don't do social media? You can find them by clicking on the Youtube logo below.
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