Today our youngest child is off sick (hand, foot and mouth, just FYI – absolutely brutal for the poor boy).
My wife and I are able to tag-team today. I can have him while she does the school run. She can have him in the morning. I can have him from lunchtime onwards. Great! However, this morning ended up being pretty stressful, and it really didn’t need to be as stressful as I made it.
I had had it in my head that I would be using today to get a lot done. There is more Christmas prep to sort, plus I try to set aside Fridays for writing (watch this space, although to be fair you might be watching for a while). So, there was this pressure in my head to get stuff done. A sense of the time slipping away.
On the other hand, my son had asked if I would sit with him in the lounge while I did my work. I wanted to do that, both because he has had to be really patient over the last couple of days while he has been off, because I liked the idea of having some time with him, and because I knew he would probably end up with some watching time later on and I wanted to give him some time doing something a bit more creative.
So, I end up in the lounge with him, trying to be present with him and catch up on some work at the same time.
I am sure you can imagine how that went.
He was absolutely fine, having a lovely old time messing about with a drawing app and practicing some typing (all the names in the family is his favourite thing to do, followed by typing random letters and then getting me to read it out as if it was a real word).
I, however, was trying to sneak in some emails on my phone (which I am rubbish at – I don’t have the thumbs for it), feeling like I needed to do work and be present with my son, and that I was doing neither thing particularly well.
This “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” or “lose-lose” kind of scenario tends to be pretty stressful. It can almost feel panicky sometimes. The way I would explain this is that it feels like you are trapped. There doesn’t seem to be a way forward that is satisfactory, and either option leaves me with something I really don’t want.
The thing with this is, in my specific circumstances this morning, this was a trap of my own making.
It would be nice for me and my boy to have some time together, but frankly if he has more watching time while he is off sick, he will be absolutely fine. He blooming loves it. That would let me actually do my work. Plus, I can play games with him later on today.
Yes, I have some things I want to get done for my work, but I am self-employed. Nobody is driving me towards a deadline on this, that’s all me. If it doesn’t get done today, it can get done another time. I appreciate this is a very privileged position, and I can also accept that it makes sense that pressure is there, because often a trap for a self-employed person is the fear that if you aren’t working, you aren’t earning (which isn’t always strictly true, but it can be how it feels).
In this particular scenario, it felt like I had no choice but to try and do both, but of course I had a choice. Neither option is perfect and there isn’t a win-win, but when we get caught feeling trapped and panicky, sometimes (not all the time) the trap is our own expectations.
So, when I eventually clocked this (later than I might have liked), the choice I made today was that I would let myself off the work stuff this morning. I sat with my boy instead. I won’t always be able to make that particular choice. Sometimes it has to be work. Sometimes I will have no choice but to try and do both at the same time even though it’s stressful. Today, however, I did have a choice. I just wasn’t letting myself make it.
Something to think about
Sometimes we feel trapped not because we are, but because we aren’t making adjustments for ourselves. Sometimes we do have a choice, we just can't immediately see it.
Something to do
When you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling trapped or stressed, a useful check in can be: “If someone I cared about was in this situation, what would I say to them?” In my case, here, it would probably have been something like: “It’s OK to stick him in front of the TV if you want to crack out the work. It’s also OK to leave some of that work for another time. Neither option is going to be devastating to anybody. It’s alright.”
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. I am actually typing this last bit at 11:38 - nearly my time to tag in again. I will be honest, there is part of me that will still be holding on to "Argh, I need to get some more done!" Today, I am still going to choose to spend time with my son. However, it is OK and it is natural that a part of my mind will still be on the work stuff. My job isn't to be completely zen about the whole thing, because that's not totally fair. My job is to try and be reasonable with myself and try and do what works for me, even if it is uncomfortable.
Wish me luck!
Commenti