When we are anxious about something, we usually want to know that everything is going to be OK. One of the ways we try to do that is to seek reassurance from other people. It makes sense, and sometimes it works. When we are really anxious, however, reassurance rarely works for long. Sometimes I can’t take the reassurance on board at all. Sometimes I feel OK for a bit, but the doubt creeps back in as time goes on. Either way, we end up caught in a bit of a loop: feel anxious - ask for reassurance - anxiety is still there - ask for reassurance again.
I had this last week, because I was going to an in-person talk on good mental health, but I couldn’t decide what to wear. So, I ended up trying things on (a lot) and asking my wife what she thought (a lot). Here’s how it went:
Scenario 1: we get the reassurance we are looking for
Me: “Do you think this looks OK?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Are you sure?”
When we ask for reassurance and the person gives it, sometimes we can’t take it on board. The reason this happens is because when we are anxious, our brains are actively scanning for danger. In this case, the fear is about being perceived negatively. My mouth might be asking “Does this look OK?” but really what I am asking is “Is it possible people won’t like me, will judge me or ridicule me?”
So, when my wife says “Yes I really like that” my brain isn’t really interested in that. It’s not dangerous. It isn’t enough to take away all of the doubt, because nothing really can. So, I ask again, which leads us to:
Scenario 2: we don’t get the reassurance
Me: “Do you think this looks OK?”
Her: “…yes.”
Me: “What was the pause about? You don’t like it?”
This is about that idea that our brains are actively scanning for danger. If there is even a sniff of something not quite right, it will pick it up and run with it. Like if you have watched a horror film and are walking home in the dark: our brains will be on high alert, listening out for noises we never would have noticed under different circumstances.
Seeking reassurance is a natural, normal thing. However, when we are really anxious it can start to become a problem in itself, when I am continually asking for reassurance that never really gets me anywhere.
How to deal with it differently
If you spot yourself doing this (which I only did after quite some time), it is helpful to acknowledge what is really going on:
I am asking someone to tell me that it is all going to be OK because I am scared. They actually can’t convince me. I can ask them again if they like, but it probably isn’t going to do what I want it to.
Instead, I can choose to sit with that anxiety:
I am anxious that people won’t like what I am wearing, but that’s not it really. Really, I am anxious I will get judged or ridiculed. Rather than trying to find this magical outfit that will suddenly make me feel at ease, maybe I can focus upon tolerating the idea that some people might not like it. It’s uncomfortable, but I can get used to it. And maybe I can stop torturing myself going round in circles. I can make a choice and just go with it.
Something to think about
There aren't any rules about how much reassurance we should all want or need. Instead, it can be helpful to ask: when does this stop being helpful? How many times is too many times?
Something to do
The next time you want to get some reassurance on something you are worried about, try asking once, and once only. Ask it slowly, look them in the eyes as they tell you what they think, and try to sit with it for a while.
Thanks for reading! Until next week,
Ted
P.S. was this email OK?
Also, the talk I was giving on "good mental health" is one I have run a few times for schools and businesses. If it sounds like it might be up your street, get in touch by replying to this email.
Comments